As I lay down tonight I cannot help but reflect and think about tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of Lynn's heart attack.  It's been 2 years, and yet it feels so long ago, but still the hell is fresh in my head.

We had so many things go right in those days....but the trauma of the event is never far from my head.  I suppose I suffer from some type of post traumatic stress from it all.  Every time I hear sirens, or I have to pull over from some type of emergency vehicle I am reminded of that morning.  

Our big joke at home is that the heart attack happened because Dad ate a black Jelly Bean...dang Jelly Bean.

Just recently we had a few more days where we had to break out the bp cuff.  It's the tool I used to prove I needed to call 911 that morning.  

Your life changes when something like this happens to someone you love.  You cook different, you live diferent, you smile more, laugh more and constantly check things off your bucket list.  Experiences matter, things don't.  

Friends that stuck by your side, held your hand, let you cry...those are the relationships worth something.

Family that drops everything to help with the kids, and still drops everything to help when we have to make emergency runs to urgent care when things aren't quite right.

Co-workers that keep a watchful eye when I can't and make the whole situation into a fun competition.  This is exactly the way we want it to be.

This changed us, but it made us better.  We weren't living life, life was living us.  Do not waste time....time is so fast and fleeting and is gone in an instant.  We realize this even more now than before.

Thankfully Lynn is doing well.  He still has too much stress in his life, and no..that's not ME.  Overall he has embraced some very good habits, and a few weeks ago even ate cauliflower.  OK, so maybe I didn't tell him it was cauliflower...but he ate it...and it was delicious.

We are looking forward to more anniversaries, more memories, more time.  Happy 2nd Dork, may your bypasses give you more time to annoy the hell out of me, scare the crap out of your kids, and all the extra time you need to watch all of your DVR shows. XO

Happy half birthday

In a few short days we will hit the 6 month mark of the event of the year for our family. It really does feel like forever ago that our lives changed drastically.
Sometimes I can't believe everything that has happened was such a short time ago, and then there are days that the emotional toll on a family that deals with a heart attack makes it seem like you are right back at that space in time.
We have grown closer as a family.  We take nothing for granted.  Lynn and I have had time to work on our marriage, we are way healthier, and the list of positives goes on and on.
We have always felt like things should be celebrated, and this is no different.  We'll mark this 6 months on a cruise ship with some of our favorite people, and actually on that day swim with dolphins...something that has been on my bucket list for many many years.  We had started planning this trip two weeks prior to the HA. It's no coincidence that we are celebrating this recovery 6 months later on a vacation of a lifetime.
We are healthier people, mentally and physically.  I will even mark my 40th birthday by running a 5K with my sweet daughter.  I don't know if that would have happened or not...but I do know that the HA was motivation.  We enjoy going to the gym as a family and finding new recipes that actually taste good.  This has not been a journey for Lynn alone, but one for the whole family...and we are all better for that.
If you are familiar with the show Parenthood I think Zeek says it best:
"I don't want to go through it again.  I just want to live my life, Millie.  Enjoy every minute I've got left."  That in the most simple way is how I feel about this event.  I am thankful for what we have learned from it, and I will celebrate every day we have been given...but I don't want to live that part of my life again.
Live your life...I've said it so many times.  Be an active participant...don't just exsist to make it through.  Exsist to make a life that means something.  We have no idea how much time we are given but we do know how important that time is...so once again life your life.
Don't just say it, do it.  It's easy to get caught up to the every day grind.  There are days like that, but really evaluate what is important to you and your family.  Is it work?  Is it school?  Or is it spending time playing frisbee in the back yard watching a moon rise?  Figure it out.  You don't have time to waste being idle.
Live your life.  Live it fully.

Bumpy Road

As I continue my recovery, I find that the ride is not always as smooth as you'll find on Sedgwick County roads. After a few days of chest discomfort related to breathing last week, Erin made an appointment with my primary physician to see what was going on. She wouldn't let me go to work, so I didn't fight her about it since I had nothing else planned. :)  Besides, the discomfort was painful at this point, I had a low grade fever, and was unable to sleep the night before. X-rays came out clear, so it wasn't pneumonia or bronchitis. He sent me to get a CT Angiography at St. Francis just in case it might be a pulmonary embolism resulting from the heart surgery. That ended up taking the rest of the day to schedule and complete, and Erin was able to ensure a painful ride by finding every pothole and bump in the city streets driving to the hospital. I would think that she did it on purpose, but then again they're city streets so I can't fault her, can I? (Uh, huh, I said it.)

After everything I have been through since we've been married (and watching every episode of Grey's Anatomy), Erin feels as though she has the equivalent experience of a second year medical resident. She had already diagnosed me with a pulmonary embolism before she called the doctor. I have to admit, I was more than a little worried after Erin looked up the symptoms of a PE and I had most of them. I knew I'd end up back in the hospital and did not want to go back! Thankfully, that was not the problem. I did not have a blood clot in my lung, but I did have pleurisy - swelling of the tissue lining my chest and lungs. It's most likely a complication from heart surgery. It was painful for a few days, but is just uncomfortable now that I have been taking high dose ibuprofen and antibiotics. I'm fine as long as I don't move very much or yawn or sneeze or cough or burp or breathe... so the last few days have been uncomfortable. My doctor called to check on me Friday morning and was surprised I was back at work. Why sit around at home thinking about the pain when I could go to work and complain to others? :) 

I finally start cardiac rehab this Tuesday. I am confident this pleurisy thing will be taken care of by then, because I'm not putting rehab off any longer. It's my last step in recovery. Let's get started and get it done!

I'll probably update this blog once or twice more after rehab starts so I can complain about it to those still reading this, but then I think this journey to my heart will finally conclude. As always, I thank you all for your prayers and well wishes.

Ending times..

This week brings the end of school.  I am thankful that the kids had school to focus on during this journey.  It also gave Lynn time to recoup at home without them bugging him to "play". If there is any silver lining in all this the timing for school and his return to work is good.
He is still not able to do everything he used to do.  I did let him take a few trips around the yard with the mower.  It was like I'd given him the keys to a new mustang.  He also went up the ladder....these are exciting times people.
On Friday while I was running errands I had to stop twice for ambulances...and heard two more while I was out.  Seeing them and hearing them brings me anxiety.  It transports me right back to that morning and everything that has happened to him, me and us as a family.  The process for physical healing is big.  The process for mental and emotional healing is huge and will take longer...especially for me because I lived it, and the things I remember, Lynn doesn't.  Who am I kidding...Lynn not remembering is normal!  :)
He will continue to work half days at least for a few more days.  I can already see that work is creeping into his life again.  Last week he was answering an email after midnight.  Something about that needs to change....I think maybe that's a password.
We are doing normal things.  Kira continues to impress us with with her heart for others and her tenacity to never give up.  She is silly and she laughs...a lot...just like her Momma.  She seriously just told me she met Kelly Clarkson by running into her at the grocery store.  She is so funny.
She ran her first 5K a few weeks ago.  I thought I was going to cry because I was just so dang proud of her.  We were notified a few weeks ago from the princpal that she will be awarded this week at school with a citizenship award.  It's a big deal...a huge deal.
Evan continues to make great progress with his occupational therapy and I have said more than once that I am so grateful we started him in therapy for his SPD. Had we not gone forward with that going through this event would have been so much more difficult.  I knew how to approach the situation with him...and he has come through it with flying colors.  He just finished writing all his numbers to 1000....and he is beaming from ear to ear.  So proud of himself, and he tells me evey night how much he loves me and that I am the best Momma in the world FOR HIM.
All in all progress is moving forward.  Lynn is doing well.  I am doing well.  The kids are doing well.  As time moves forward our new normal is still filled with lots of life and tons of love.  Things are different, but we are strong.  In fact as I close this post we are all singing "Stand By Me".  I can think of no better song to define us over the last few weeks!

I am Free!

I saw the cardiothoracic surgeon this afternoon. We waited an hour to see him and then got to spend almost 5 entire minutes in his presence. I think that is par for the course. But, I don't mind because in that 5 minutes he released my driving restriction, increased my lifting limit to 20 lbs, and eliminated all the other restrictions "as my body tolerates." I am officially a free man. I tried to get Erin to agree to celebrate with a stop at Quiktrip for hot dogs and nachos, but apparently she wasn't in the celebrating mood. My request was denied. I think she is sad that I am leaving the nest and venturing out on my own.  :-)

The surgeon said it will take another 3-6 months for my nerves to repair, so I'll have numb areas in my chest and left leg until then. He also reiterated that it will take about 2-3 months longer before I am 100%. Cardiac rehab starts in 2 weeks, and that will help move things along. Oh, and I got the protective tape removed from my chest incision. I've got a 7 1/2" incision scar in the middle of my chest, my second longest incision. I have a total of 10 surgical scars now.  Erin took a photo of my new chest scar. It's my thinnest scar... nice work Dr. Khicha!

I was out and about from 8:00 to 3:30 today. I didn't do anything big, but it's the longest I've been up without a rest since before the heart attack. Erin tells me I fell asleep when we got home, but I don't recall falling asleep so she is obviously mistaken.

Okay... maybe I slept for a few minutes. I am getting stronger, though. I expect I'll be back at work full time next week. We'll see how the rest of this week goes before a decision is made, but as of now I think it is a good possibility.

Returning to Normal

I went to work on Friday for the first time in 5 weeks. I only stayed a few hours, but it was good to be back, even if I was just a major distraction while I was there. I am fortunate enough to work with good, kind people that have a sense of humor. My door was adorned with a checklist, like the one you see in public restrooms. Different co-workers were "assigned" to check on me every 30 minutes and had to circle a either a smiley face, straight face, sad face or skull and crossbones. What was hilarious to me was the fact that everyone came by on schedule and filled out the list. When I was out of my office for a check, I was paged over the intercom and had to explain my whereabouts! I received a text when I was still gone at the next check-in. I didn't respond fast enough so Erin was notified and I promptly received a phone call from her. I learned my lesson... turn off my cell phone at work! :-)

I will continue part-time this coming week. I learned today that I still have a lot of work ahead of me to get my stamina back. Kira ran her first 5k this morning. It was great; I am so proud of her for completing the run and doing so well! But, even as a spectator I was completely drained after 3 hours on my feet. I could barely walk back to the car. I think passers-by thought I just ran the race! It was disappointing for me because I thought I could handle it better. I got my second wind after a long nap and the family took Kira out for dinner to celebrate.

I have an appointment with the cardiothoracic surgeon on Tuesday and hopefully will have my remaining restrictions lifted. The big one is driving. I've been strictly a back seat passenger for the past 3 weeks, and haven't driven a car since April 3. I detest relying on others, so I am looking forward to regaining some more control in my life. However, I have to admit I will miss my extra time with Erin. I have enjoyed our time together doing things that we typically do separately during the week, like grocery shopping and quick errands. I didn't always drive her nuts. Sometimes I was actually pleasant to be around and we had good times. We'll have to find ways to continue our extra time together as we create our new "normal."

Have a Coke and a smile...

These last few days have been good.  His report from the cardiologist really could not have been better.  We love our cardiologist...and his staff.  They are top notch and impressive.
Today we went to get the oil changed, eat lunch and stop by Wal-Mart for plants.  The oil change allowed us to walk to our lunch date where we got to talk about this whole experience.

This is what you do when you need to get out of the house...you exercise your muscles pulling bottles of pop trying to look for people's names that you know!

I still can't believe all that has happened.  It seems like the heart attack was a year ago.  Today marks exactly 4 weeks.  I was telling Lynn that those first days are a blur really.  So many things had to fall into place.  My faith tells me that those things...that all of this he has had a hand in.  There is no other explanation for it.  Yes, we are smart people and we have made good choices and decisions....but the things out of our control, that we have not had a hand in, have been huge.  The fact that we went to the hospital that is one of the best in cardiac care AND the fact that our cardiologist helped DEVELOP the drug for DIABETIC HEART PATIENTS happens to be the one on call that day is no accident.  We have also been told the surgeon is one of the best as the nurse asked to see the scar yesterday and she could tell without a doubt who had done the surgery!
One of the things pastor said in his sermon on Sunday was that encouragement doesn't just come in words...it also comes in actions.
I shared that the encouragement we have received in words has been so appreciated....and the encouragement we have received through actions has blown us away.  People haven't asked...they have just done.  That has been more encouraging to me than anything.  It's how I intend to encourage others for sure now....knowing that words are fantastic, but if I really want to make a huge difference I need to view encouragement as a verb.
As Lynn returns to work I am happy and excited that he GETS to opportunity to go back.  I know other people with heart attacks don't always get that choice.  I am so grateful he does.  He loves his job.  He loves the people he works with.
He knows that he is getting another chance.
As I sat today and talked with him at lunch he said I want to be the best husband and best dad that I can be....and I told him that I was proud of him...because I am proud of him.
I have always admired his work ethic because mine is much the same.  Do it until it's right no matter the sacrifice that has to be made.  Now...I'm not so sure that is the way we intend to live our lives.  The sacrifice of family is too big.  We will continue to be great and do great things...just not at the expense of our health.  There is a balance that has to be found and we will find it, it will just have to be adjusted.
Cardiac rehab will start at the end of May and he will be clear to drive in a few days...so watch out!